{"id":2053,"date":"2021-01-26T23:43:48","date_gmt":"2021-01-26T23:43:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/?p=2053"},"modified":"2026-10-13T18:16:32","modified_gmt":"2026-10-13T22:16:32","slug":"your-partner-has-adult-adhd-how-to-stay-when-you-want-to-go","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/your-partner-has-adult-adhd-how-to-stay-when-you-want-to-go\/","title":{"rendered":"Your partner has Adult ADHD: How to stay when you want to go"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You knew when you fell in love that he had adult ADHD. Or maybe you didn\u2019t. Whenever you found out, you never imagined how much it would affect you. Inside.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>(ADHD in men is distinctive and, as such, this article is focused on this particular male-female dynamic.) <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You knew when you fell in love that he had adult ADHD. Or maybe you didn\u2019t. Whenever you found out, you never imagined how much it would affect <em>you<\/em>. Inside.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You no longer feel as calm, centered and confident as you once did. You\u2019re questioning yourself, your relationship, and whether anything can change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sometimes, you think you could fix the problem if only you were clear\/strong\/smart\/informed enough. But you\u2019ve learned that there is no direct fix, so you begin to imagine life on the other side of the relationship. Then you feel guilty about even considering walking away from your partner. One client asked me with tears in her eyes: \u201cHow do I stay in it? How do I love him and myself?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group single-article__cta--section has-text-color has-background is-layout-constrained wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"color:#2b2e34;background-color:#f5efea;margin-top:30px;margin-bottom:30px\">\n<div style=\"height:30px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center has-text-color wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2b2e34\">Yes, I\u2019m ready<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-buttons is-content-justification-center is-layout-flex wp-container-core-buttons-is-layout-3e41869c wp-block-buttons-is-layout-flex\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-button has-custom-width wp-block-button__width-50\"><a class=\"wp-block-button__link has-text-color has-background wp-element-button\" href=\"https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/contact\/i-help-you-grow-your-leadership\/\" style=\"border-radius:0px;color:#ffffff;background-color:#b65c45\">Let\u2019s get started!<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:30px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><strong>You matter too <\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I\u2019ve worked with countless men with ADHD. But their spouses usually don\u2019t ask to attend nor even ask to be part of the coaching process. And yet, the husbands report: \u201cShe\u2019s going to leave me if I don\u2019t fix this. She\u2019s bearing the brunt of this and I feel bad. I want to be the man she thought I was. She\u2019s so disappointed.\u201d Clearly, there\u2019s a whole population of women out there who are in pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Is this you? If so, this is my love letter to you. My hope is that it will help you feel clearer about how to support yourself and reconnect with your partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Trust your experience <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">My invitation to you is to trust what you are experiencing. All of it. The self-doubt. The confusion. The grief. The frustration. The sense of being alone. It\u2019s all normal in a situation that is unpredictable, confusing and sometimes overwhelming. And it is true that you\u2019re not getting the attention you want and deserve, neither from your partner nor from the science.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A 2016 study confirmed that women without ADHD who are married to men with the diagnosis, are the most neglected and least studied group in all the research about ADHD.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><a href=\"https:\/\/link.springer.com\/article\/10.1007\/s10826-016-0653-9\">Life With a Partner with ADHD: The Moderating Role of Intimacy<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Intimacy is the key<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But science has validated that if you want to stay in your relationship, emotional intimacy is the key. This means you both feel able to share your feelings freely, express your limits, and trust that it will all be heard with an open and curious heart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Intimacy&nbsp; = better ADHD management = increased marital satisfaction.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I know what you must be thinking: \u201cHe needs to address his ADHD symptoms before I can even think about feeling close to him! If only he would just get with the program, I could feel good about us again.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I get it. You\u2019ve tried hard to restore emotional intimacy and your efforts fell flat. He either forgot to show up, scheduled something else, or wasn\u2019t present enough to connect with you. You maintain that he HAS &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; to change his behavior BEFORE you can turn things around.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But no, actually.&nbsp; It\u2019s the other way around.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Change your lens; change your experience <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Of course, you don\u2019t have ADHD so everything he does and says you will see through the lens of a neurotypical brain and then assign meaning to it. For example, when he fails to show up for a dinner date in order to see a client; you may feel invisible or betrayed. When he talks over you when you are trying to talk to him; you feel unimportant and frustrated. When he loses important documents but maintains everything is under control; you lose trust. When the pattern continues despite your repeated requests for something to change, you feel helpless and inconsequential.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And then you feel angry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Then he feels small and\/or defensive. And the cycle continues.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">To change this cycle and create space for renewed intimacy, first give yourself plenty of compassion for what you are going through. Yes, you\u2019re feeling a lot. Yes, you deserve to feel loved, supported and valued. And then remember that you married him. HIM. Not his ADHD behaviours. How he feels about you is actually underneath the forgetfulness and poor time management.&nbsp; He will want to hear from you that he matters to you too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Start with Feelings; not ADHD strategies<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"300\" height=\"200\" src=\"https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-couple-300x200.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-2054\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-couple-300x200.jpeg 300w, https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-couple-600x400.jpeg 600w, https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-couple-1024x683.jpeg 1024w, https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-couple-768x512.jpeg 768w, https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-couple-1536x1024.jpeg 1536w, https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-couple-2048x1365.jpeg 2048w, https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-couple-1248x832.jpeg 1248w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The win-win is to first share with him that you want to be close again. Reassure him that he matters to you and that you want to feel like you matter to him.&nbsp; (Emotional safety is foundational to all kinds of learning including being more strategic with ADHD.) Let him know that he is the man you fell in love with and want to feel connected to again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Then you can share how the ADHD behaviour makes you feel: lonely, unimportant, forgotten. Tell him what you want e.g. trust, stability, and dependability.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Then tell him <em>how<\/em> he can do that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Pick one behaviour that would make a big difference to you. (This is a marathon, not a sprint.) And be clear about what makes that behaviour so important to you. You could say, \u201cWhen we make plans for dinner and you show up on time, I feel like I matter. We matter. Can we start there?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Plan for Success<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You can safely assume he wants to succeed every bit as much as you want him too. And you also need to assume \u2013 you both do \u2013 that he will need external structures in place to help him follow through with the change. This might include putting it in his agenda, timers, or a post-it note in front of him. He may also need a cue on a post-it note such as, \u201cDO NOT SCHEDULE ANYTHING ELSE AFTER 5:00 NO MATTER HOW IMPORTANT IT SEEMS.\u201d These are to support the executive functioning weaknesses in the ADHD brain, not a reflection of his lack of interest in you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">No matter how it goes, rinse and repeat. Your hearts <strong><em>are <\/em><\/strong>the priority.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group single-article__cta--section has-text-color has-background is-layout-constrained wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"color:#2b2e34;background-color:#f5efea;margin-top:30px;margin-bottom:30px\">\n<div style=\"height:30px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center has-text-color wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2b2e34\">Yes, I\u2019m ready<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-buttons is-content-justification-center is-layout-flex wp-container-core-buttons-is-layout-3e41869c wp-block-buttons-is-layout-flex\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-button has-custom-width wp-block-button__width-50\"><a class=\"wp-block-button__link has-text-color has-background wp-element-button\" href=\"https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/contact\/i-help-you-grow-your-leadership\/\" style=\"border-radius:0px;color:#ffffff;background-color:#b65c45\">Let\u2019s get started!<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:30px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image alignnone wp-image-2056 size-large\"><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"576\" src=\"https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-happy-couple-1024x576.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-2056\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-happy-couple-1024x576.jpeg 1024w, https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-happy-couple-scaled-600x338.jpeg 600w, https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-happy-couple-300x169.jpeg 300w, https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-happy-couple-768x432.jpeg 768w, https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-happy-couple-1536x864.jpeg 1536w, https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-happy-couple-2048x1152.jpeg 2048w, https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-happy-couple-1600x900.jpeg 1600w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>You knew when you fell in love that he had adult ADHD. Or maybe you didn\u2019t. Whenever you found out, you never imagined how much it would affect you. Inside. (ADHD in men is distinctive and, as such, this article is focused on this particular male-female dynamic.) You knew when you fell in love that [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":2055,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2053","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adhd-resources"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.8 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Your partner has Adult ADHD: How to stay when you want to go | Lynda Hoffman Executive &amp; ADHD Coaching<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Your partner has Adult ADHD: How to stay when you want to go. 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