{"id":4645,"date":"2023-01-23T23:51:07","date_gmt":"2023-01-23T23:51:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/?p=4645"},"modified":"2026-10-13T18:16:30","modified_gmt":"2026-10-13T22:16:30","slug":"adult-adhd-and-the-shame-spiral","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/adult-adhd-and-the-shame-spiral\/","title":{"rendered":"Adult ADHD and the Shame Spiral"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sometimes after a coaching session with one of my executive clients, I want to shout out to the world to stop the abuse, the labeling, the judgments and downright unkind things said to children with ADHD. Because these children grow up to become adults with ADHD &#8212; and every word of judgment stays with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Well-meaning teachers, parents and community members who don\u2019t understand ADHD look at the child\u2019s behaviour and make inaccurate assumptions about what they\u2019re seeing. They call the child <em>\u201clazy, irresponsible, untrustworthy\u201d<\/em>. These labels are like arrows directed right at the child\u2019s sense of self. <em>\u201cIf I don\u2019t get my work done on time, <strong>I am<\/strong> bad. If I forget to do my chores repeatedly, <strong>I am<\/strong> disrespectful.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">These children grow into adults who believe these labels. No matter how successful they become, this fixed belief about who they are, and what <a href=\"https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/adhd-coaching-personal-agency-in-action\/\">ADHD<\/a> is, becomes their identify. <em>\u201cI have ADHD. It will always be this way. This is who I am.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">For<a href=\"https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/5-inner-skills-for-transforming-your-life-with-adhd\/\"> executives and professionals with ADHD,<\/a> these labels are alive in the background of their minds waiting for the moment when they forget to follow their agenda, or lose their temper at the worst moment. Then they spiral into shame, inertia, and more shame. Success in their careers is not a vaccine against shame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Can you relate?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Shame &#8211; as identity &#8211; has real world consequences: addiction, depression, anxiety, perfectionism, and avoidance. There is NO upside to this kind of shame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">What do you do when you\u2019re in a shame spiral? Who do you become?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Do you notice you stop using your tools? Do you hide more? Play small? Hope no one will notice that you made a mistake on a file last week?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group single-article__cta--section has-text-color has-background is-layout-constrained wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"color:#2b2e34;background-color:#f5efea;margin-top:30px;margin-bottom:30px\">\n<div style=\"height:30px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center has-text-color wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2b2e34\">Yes, I\u2019m ready<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-buttons is-content-justification-center is-layout-flex wp-container-core-buttons-is-layout-3e41869c wp-block-buttons-is-layout-flex\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-button has-custom-width wp-block-button__width-50\"><a class=\"wp-block-button__link has-text-color has-background wp-element-button\" href=\"https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/contact\/i-help-you-grow-your-leadership\/\" style=\"border-radius:0px;color:#ffffff;background-color:#b65c45\">Let\u2019s get started!<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:30px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">So how do you stop the shame?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Know the facts ahead of time:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image alignright size-medium is-resized\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"202\" height=\"300\" src=\"https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-happy-professional-202x300.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-4621\" style=\"width:289px;height:396px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-happy-professional-202x300.jpeg 202w, https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-happy-professional-688x1024.jpeg 688w, https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-happy-professional-768x1143.jpeg 768w, https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-happy-professional-1032x1536.jpeg 1032w, https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-happy-professional-1376x2048.jpeg 1376w, https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-happy-professional-1320x1964.jpeg 1320w, https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-happy-professional-600x893.jpeg 600w, https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/Lynda-Hoffman-Life-Coaching-happy-professional-scaled.jpeg 1720w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 202px) 100vw, 202px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>ADHD does not cause shame.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>ADHD is not shameful. ADHD is a brain difference that requires compassion, self-awareness and keen strategy use.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>ADHD does make you feel emotions more strongly than others.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Feelings are useful information, but they are not facts.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>ADHD may make you more likely to believe your feelings as facts, if you are impulsive.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>ADHD is a neurochemical brain difference that effects executive functioning. It is NOT a disorder of personality or character.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Get out of the shame spiral \/ back into what\u2019s true<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Recognize when you\u2019re in a shame spiral<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Apply heaps of self-compassion for the inaccurate messages that you\u2019re believing about yourself.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Connect with a loving friend \u2013 shame thrives when you hide.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Reconnect with all your tools (ADHD strategies), the ones that show the world how wonderful you are.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-genesis-blocks-gb-columns gb-layout-columns-2 gb-2-col-equal\"><div class=\"gb-layout-column-wrap gb-block-layout-column-gap-2 gb-is-responsive-column\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-genesis-blocks-gb-column gb-block-layout-column\"><div class=\"gb-block-layout-column-inner\">\n<p><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n<div class=\"wp-block-genesis-blocks-gb-column gb-block-layout-column\"><div class=\"gb-block-layout-column-inner\">\n<p><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Create an accurate sense of self<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Commit to practicing being kind and accurate <strong>all the time<\/strong> &#8211; not just when you\u2019re in a shame spiral. In this way, you\u2019ll develop new neural pathways to replace the shame pattern in your thinking and behaving.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Separate your identity from your behaviour. Your behaviour is a reflection into what you were thinking. It\u2019s not a reflection of who you are.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Accept that you are a soul who has the human capacity to <strong>choose. You get to choose how you want to show up in the world<\/strong>.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Master your ADHD strategies and you\u2019ll show who you are &#8211; deep down inside.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group single-article__cta--section has-text-color has-background is-layout-constrained wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"color:#2b2e34;background-color:#f5efea;margin-top:30px;margin-bottom:30px\">\n<div style=\"height:30px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center has-text-color wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2b2e34\">Yes, I\u2019m ready<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-buttons is-content-justification-center is-layout-flex wp-container-core-buttons-is-layout-3e41869c wp-block-buttons-is-layout-flex\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-button has-custom-width wp-block-button__width-50\"><a class=\"wp-block-button__link has-text-color has-background wp-element-button\" href=\"https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/contact\/i-help-you-grow-your-leadership\/\" style=\"border-radius:0px;color:#ffffff;background-color:#b65c45\">Let\u2019s get started!<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:30px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Sometimes after a coaching session with one of my executive clients, I want to shout out to the world to stop the abuse, the labeling, the judgments and downright unkind things said to children with ADHD. Because these children grow up to become adults with ADHD &#8212; and every word of judgment stays with them. [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":4620,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4645","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adhd-resources"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.6 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Adult ADHD and the Shame Spiral - Lynda Hoffman Executive &amp; ADHD Coaching<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"For executives and professionals with ADHD, these labels are alive in the background of their minds waiting for the moment when they forget to follow their agenda, or lose their temper at the worst moment.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/lyndahoffman.com\/en-us\/adult-adhd-and-the-shame-spiral\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Adult ADHD and the Shame Spiral - Lynda Hoffman Executive &amp; 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