I think John Wellwood would agree that it\u2019s hard to fall in love and stay in a loving relationship at the best of times, but it\u2019s even harder when you throw ADHD into the mix.<\/p>\n
What does it take to heal this kind of anger? To heal relationships after a hurricane of reactivity?<\/p>\n
Understand What Feeds Your ADHD Anger<\/strong><\/p>\n Trigger points that stress executive functioning<\/em><\/p>\n ADHD is fundamentally a challenge with executive functioning (the brain-based skills for managing your life). Any situation that stresses your executive functions could cause an eruption:\u00a0 sudden and unexpected transitions, being reminded that you forgot something, being asked to see things the way your partner does, disagreements around time.<\/p>\n Ask yourself:<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Poor life experience \/ trauma<\/em><\/p>\n Children who feel unloved, misunderstood or invalidated tend to grow up to re-create these situations. When you\u2019re not awake to this deeper pattern, you may find yourself \u2018seeing\u2019 invalidation where it doesn\u2019t exist, perceiving lack of respect where it doesn\u2019t exist, or feeling unseen by a \u2018judgmental\u2019 partner.<\/p>\n Ask yourself:<\/p>\n Poor self-awareness<\/em><\/p>\n Most adults with ADHD tend to be externally focused: the job, the partner\u2019s moods, the kids\u2019 behaviour. It\u2019s more difficult to see inside of themselves. When they become triggered in the moment, they simply don\u2019t notice it until the rage has taken over. At this point, it\u2019s too late to avert the outburst<\/p>\n Beforehand, they may have been aware of thoughts that were making them angry, but they weren\u2019t hearing the more subtle voice of their self-management system. It\u2019s this voice that\u2019s meant to alert them to withdraw and calm down\u2013 before<\/em> they lose it.<\/p>\n Ask yourself:<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Understand what makes it so hard to control emotions<\/strong><\/p>\n ADHD impacts your self-regulatory system. It\u2019s like your gas pedal is stuck to the floor and you have no brakes to slow the car down. The speed at which things can happen is lightning quick. With no brakes, you\u2019ll believe the thoughts that may not be accurate. Or, you\u2019ll launch into open conflict and become caught up in the adrenalin of it all. In that moment, it may not even occur to you to calm down.<\/p>\n Sometimes, ADHD rage is more than just ADHD. Check with a psychiatrist to ensure you\u2019re not suffering from a form of mania (bipolar) unique to ADHD. Harvard researcher Dr. Timothy Wilens describes this comorbidity as \u2018extreme, explosive irritability\u2019. And it\u2019s more common than you might think. It\u2019s estimated that 18% of adults with ADHD are thought to have this type of mania. (CADDRA Conference 2023) The good news is that it\u2019s treatable!<\/p>\n Focus on the route home to each other<\/strong><\/p>\n Let go of the zero-sum mentality<\/em><\/p>\n Conflict doesn\u2019t have to be a zero-sum game with winners and losers. Instead, view any conflict as an opportunity to strengthen your communication, validate how much your relationship matters to you, and deepen your connection. Use your anger as a way to cultivate your understanding of each other so that you can show up with more loving and self-regard.<\/p>\n Take responsibility for your anger <\/em><\/p>\n Ask yourself:<\/p>\n When conflict occurs <\/em><\/p>\n Address the healing as quickly as possible. Long periods of time spent calming down just widen the emotional gap. Instead, become strategic in your calming. Splashing cold water on your face<\/p>\n will reset your nervous system. Breathing deeply in a quiet space will settle your heartrate. Going for a vigorous run will burn off the excessive adrenalin.<\/p>\n After a conflict with your partner, be willing to initiate the reconnection after a conflict with your partner.\u00a0 Taking the first step shows your partner that you\u2019re ready to turn back to them, and toward healing.<\/p>\n Communicate openly using \u2018I\u2019 statements\u2026\u00a0 \u201cI felt you weren\u2019t hearing me when you said X. When I believe you\u2019re not listening to me, I get enraged because I don\u2019t feel valued by you.\u201d<\/p>\n Listen to your partner. Resist interrupting. Focus on what\u2019s under their words. Hurt? Longing? Desire for reconnection? An unmet need? If you\u2019re not sure, ask them!<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Embrace all the messiness and vulnerability<\/em><\/p>\n Be courageous in your vulnerability. This is your strength, no matter how wobbly it makes you feel. Every time you allow yourself to feel the depths of your vulnerability \u2013 the flip side of your loving – you\u2019re strengthening your ability to be with it wisely.<\/p>\n It\u2019s in deepest relationship that we come to truly know who we are. The angry behaviour that may arise is but a symptom of previous learning and\/or our neurobiology. But our earlier experiences and our brain patterns are not who we are. We are possibility. We are learners. We are lovers. It\u2019s only in loving and intimate relationships that our deepest wounding surfaces for healing. As John Welwood wrote, \u201cIf our woundedness remains hidden, it cannot be healed. The best in us cannot come out unless the worst comes out as well.\u201d<\/p>\n May it all be received in a loving container for everyone\u2019s highest and best.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" His experience in the army made everything so much clearer. Everything was black and white. When someone crossed you, the answer was simple. Beat the crap out of them. But you can\u2019t do that in everyday life. Relationships take a huge hit when conflicts result in volatile explosions. Adults with ADHD often struggle to regulate […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":5440,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5439","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adhd-resources"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n\n
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