Do you feel you’ve lost your charisma? Your zing? Your zest? Your “je ne sais quoi”…?
I work with many executives who exude natural charisma.
And sometimes they come to me because they believe they’ve lost the very thing that makes them them.
They talk about having lost the essence of who they are.
They feel that because they’ve lost their charisma, they’re also losing ground in their careers. They think they’re no longer respected, valued, or seen. And they’re not sure anymore what truly drives them. They don’t know what they want, and they don’t know anymore what inspires them.
Feeling lost to yourself is a truly painful place to be. It’s disorienting. It challenges what you think you know about who you are.
How does this happen?
How do we take a back seat to ourselves?
We stop being authentic.
We play small.
We live as if we have to prove something instead of being present and alive to the moment. We focus on persuasion, rather than connection. We pretend to be somebody else, rather than being real. We let fear drive us, rather than what inspires us.
So how do you re-discover your essence?
Assume you’re already whole
You already have everything you need. You’re a process unfolding in every minute of every day. If you’re feeling less than whole, check in with your energy levels. Fatigue has a powerful impact on our ability to show up authentically.
Ask yourself,
- What might I be ignoring that needs my attention?
- What might be draining me?
- What am I prepared to let go of?
Stop trying so hard to find yourself
You’re not lost. You’re here. There’s no place to get to. Go inward and go gently. If you find yourself pushing for answers, let go. Ask the universe to support you. Be prepared to receive, rather than to grasp.
Ask yourself,
- What’s between me and my essence?
- What am I believing that I feel so out of reach?
- What do I want to be open to receiving?
Be authentic – however that looks
People are always drawn to those who are real and transparent.
When you show up as yourself – openly – people trust you. Your example makes it easier for them to relax and be themselves, too. They recognize that there’s no artifice in you. No game. They trust you more readily and listen more fully.
Being authentic with others begins by being authentic with ourselves.
Ask yourself,
- How do I know when I’m being authentic?
- What part of myself am I avoiding?
- What part(s) of myself would I love to embrace more fully?
Take your space
Clients who tell me that they’ve lost their sense of themselves also feel small.
Upon reflection, they realize that at some point they’d stopped taking risks. They’d been avoiding conflict. Hiding to feel safer. Deferring to others. Doubting their own voices. They believed that they were victims of their circumstances.
Some questions that supported them in taking their space powerfully may work for you, too.
Ask yourself,
- Where have I been playing small?
- What am I believing that keeps me playing small
- What choices would I make if I knew I was safe?
Body language
Learn to stand tall.
Be prepared to look people in the eye, no matter how unsure you feel. Keep your body open, no crossed arms which suggest a posture of protection. Mirror the body language of the person in front of you.
This may all feel challenging at first, especially if you’ve been playing small for awhile. But our inner experience follows how our bodies lead.
Have you noticed that when you’re in ‘flow’ your body is relaxed and your posture open?
You can deliberately cultivate more flow and more confidence by shifting your body first.
Ask yourself,
- What am I focused on when I stand confidently?
- What belief would support me in cultivating a more direct, relaxed gaze?
- What supports me in being more fully in my body?
Watch your thoughts
Our thoughts create our experience of life.
If we think everything is going well, we will perceive it as going well. If we think that our future is precarious, we will perceive it that way.
You can see how our minds are set up to have a naturally skewed grasp of reality. This is because our minds are designed to create meaning, not to observe neutrally. We have up to 60,000 thoughts per day and 80% of them are negative.
Moreover, repetitive thoughts can become deeply ingrained in our minds, making it difficult to change our thought patterns and break free from negative thinking.
“Charisma is the result of effective leadership, not the other way around.” Warren G. Bennis
With love and gratitude,
Lynda
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