His experience in the army made everything so much clearer. Everything was black and white. When someone crossed you, the answer was simple. Beat the crap out of them.

But you can’t do that in everyday life.

Relationships take a huge hit when conflicts result in volatile explosions. Adults with ADHD often struggle to regulate their anger. They experience frequent episodes of reactive aggression. It’s hot. Sudden. No holds barred. And destructive to the essence of our deepest relationships.

In calmer moments, these same adults with ADHD would tell you that they’re painfully aware their relationship matters – truly, deeply. In the heat of their anger though, this truth fades into the background. It’s as if they forget, in the moment, how fragile their intimate relationship actually is.

In fact, intimate relationships are the cornerstones of our lives. These connections ground us and provide meaning to our experiences. They deepen our sense of identity and provide a structure to our lives. Adults with ADHD deserve this profound experience every bit as anyone else. So do their partners.

So what’s getting in the way of healing these precious connections?

Maybe nothing at all. Relationship is itself the place of healing. The place in which all unhealed stuff comes up to be made better.

American clinical psychologist John Welwood, describes intimate relationships as the spiritual crucible: “Since it can be terribly confusing or devastating when the love of our life suddenly turns into our deadliest enemy, it’s important to hold a larger vision that allows us to understand what is happening here.”

https://resolutioncounselling.ca/resolution-articles/intimate-relationship-spiritual-crucible/

As you love, you must trust, take emotional risks and deepen. And when you love more deeply, relational wounds will surface. For adults with ADHD, the emotional wounds often arise from childhood: chronic misunderstandings about who they were, as well as shaming around their shortcomings. As adults, they often gravitate toward high-risk careers which can leave them further traumatized. With unresolved trauma comes difficulty trusting, opening and being vulnerable.

I think John Wellwood would agree that it’s hard to fall in love and stay in a loving relationship at the best of times, but it’s even harder when you throw ADHD into the mix.

What does it take to heal this kind of anger? To heal relationships after a hurricane of reactivity?

Understand What Feeds Your ADHD Anger

Trigger points that stress executive functioning

ADHD is fundamentally a challenge with executive functioning (the brain-based skills for managing your life). Any situation that stresses your executive functions could cause an eruption: sudden and unexpected transitions, being reminded that you forgot something, being asked to see things the way your partner does, disagreements around time.

Ask yourself:

What is the pattern when I lose my temper?
What strategies might better support me in my everyday life?
What choices am I making that feed my angry outbursts?

Poor life experience / trauma

Children who feel unloved, misunderstood or invalidated tend to grow up to re-create these situations. When you’re not awake to this deeper pattern, you may find yourself ‘seeing’ invalidation where it doesn’t exist, perceiving lack of respect where it doesn’t exist, or feeling unseen by a ‘judgmental’ partner.

Ask yourself:

What am I believing about my partner that upsets me so much?
What am I believing about myself?
How do I know these beliefs are true?

Poor self-awareness

Most adults with ADHD tend to be externally focused: the job, the partner’s moods, the kids’ behaviour. It’s more difficult to see inside of themselves. When they become triggered in the moment, they simply don’t notice it until the rage has taken over. At this point, it’s too late to avert the outburst

Beforehand, they may have been aware of thoughts that were making them angry, but they weren’t hearing the more subtle voice of their self-management system. It’s this voice that’s meant to alert them to withdraw and calm down– before they lose it.

Ask yourself:

What would support me in getting to know my internal thermometer?
What does it feel like when I begin to ‘heat up’?
What happens to my thinking?

Understand what makes it so hard to control emotions

ADHD impacts your self-regulatory system. It’s like your gas pedal is stuck to the floor and you have no brakes to slow the car down. The speed at which things can happen is lightning quick. With no brakes, you’ll believe the thoughts that may not be accurate. Or, you’ll launch into open conflict and become caught up in the adrenalin of it all. In that moment, it may not even occur to you to calm down.

Sometimes, ADHD rage is more than just ADHD. Check with a psychiatrist to ensure you’re not suffering from a form of mania (bipolar) unique to ADHD. Harvard researcher Dr. Timothy Wilens describes this comorbidity as ‘extreme, explosive irritability’. And it’s more common than you might think. It’s estimated that 18% of adults with ADHD are thought to have this type of mania. (CADDRA Conference 2023) The good news is that it’s treatable!

Focus on the route home to each other

Let go of the zero-sum mentality

Conflict doesn’t have to be a zero-sum game with winners and losers. Instead, view any conflict as an opportunity to strengthen your communication, validate how much your relationship matters to you, and deepen your connection. Use your anger as a way to cultivate your understanding of each other so that you can show up with more loving and self-regard.

Take responsibility for your anger

Ask yourself:

What are my triggers?
What am I assuming in this situation?
What needs healing inside of me so that I show up more loving, more present?
What rituals would cultivate the habit of being grounded and centered?

When conflict occurs

Address the healing as quickly as possible. Long periods of time spent calming down just widen the emotional gap. Instead, become strategic in your calming. Splashing cold water on your face

will reset your nervous system. Breathing deeply in a quiet space will settle your heartrate. Going for a vigorous run will burn off the excessive adrenalin.

After a conflict with your partner, be willing to initiate the reconnection after a conflict with your partner. Taking the first step shows your partner that you’re ready to turn back to them, and toward healing.

Communicate openly using ‘I’ statements… “I felt you weren’t hearing me when you said X. When I believe you’re not listening to me, I get enraged because I don’t feel valued by you.”

Listen to your partner. Resist interrupting. Focus on what’s under their words. Hurt? Longing? Desire for reconnection? An unmet need? If you’re not sure, ask them!

Embrace all the messiness and vulnerability

Be courageous in your vulnerability. This is your strength, no matter how wobbly it makes you feel. Every time you allow yourself to feel the depths of your vulnerability – the flip side of your loving – you’re strengthening your ability to be with it wisely.

It’s in deepest relationship that we come to truly know who we are. The angry behaviour that may arise is but a symptom of previous learning and/or our neurobiology. But our earlier experiences and our brain patterns are not who we are. We are possibility. We are learners. We are lovers. It’s only in loving and intimate relationships that our deepest wounding surfaces for healing. As John Welwood wrote, “If our woundedness remains hidden, it cannot be healed. The best in us cannot come out unless the worst comes out as well.”

May it all be received in a loving container for everyone’s highest and best.