ADHD as Identity: Who are You Really?

“If I don’t fix this, then who am I?” Harry knew he had untapped potential. He was an executive with ADHD who felt every day that he was underperforming. He felt he wasn’t expressing who he really was on the inside. He felt defined by the least of what he showed on the outside. And yet, Harry came to me hoping to create something better for himself. He described his leadership patterns as, “Just how I do it. I can’t help myself. I know it doesn’t work and it’s not fair to my team, but I’ve always done it that way.” Harry saw himself through the lens of his ADHD symptoms – as if they were all of who he was. As if they were his identity. The language he used to describe these patterns suggested that he believed they were fixed. Built into his personality. If these patterns were fixed, what was the part of him yearning for something better?  Who was that? This question matters, because how you identify will have a powerful influence over your behaviour.

How we identify is how we behave.

When we see ourselves as finite and already formed, we stop growing.

When we see ourselves as the sum of our problems, we ARE the problem.

When we see ourselves as the solution, we ARE the solution.

Who we are is so much more than a series of symptoms, characteristics and outcomes. There’s an authentic ‘you’ in there that drives your best choices. There’s also a reactive, habitual ‘you’ that drives your most risk-averse choices. Sorting out the truth of who you are is key to learning to turn toward your highest self.

ADHD and Your Identity

Getting a diagnosis of ADHD can be a profoundly self-affirming process. It clarifies a lot. It gives you a framework for understanding challenging behaviours and frustrating life outcomes. But if you’re going to look at it as what’s wrong with you, or that the symptoms you’re living with are immutable, you’ve misunderstood the purpose of a diagnosis. It’s not a limit. It’s a starting place. A reference point. ADHD symptoms are not you. ADHD symptoms are the expression of a brain functioning at its current level in the context of your life – today. They are not you. While ADHD is not something you grow out of, it is something you can learn to adapt to in this neurotypical world. Think for a moment about who’s doing the adapting. It’s not the part of you that’s impacted by ADHD. Do you notice that? What is that part that drives you towards deeper understanding? More strategic ways of being? It’s a difficult task to put your finger on the exact essence of you, isn’t it?

So where do you look for an understanding of who you are?

Ask yourself: Am I the “I” with the quiet, wise and loving voice? Am I the “I” with the irritable, critical voice? Am I the “I” that is bigger than either of those voices?

Turn toward the ‘I’ that doesn’t exist

The more you question, the more you realize that like a nesting doll, the “I” you’re looking for keeps getting smaller and harder to see. Who is your “I”? The one who sees yourself? The one who feels? Thinks? Observes? Learns? Performs? Commits? Serves? You can see that there is no “I”. There is only the common human experience we all share.

Our imperfection is universal

There is no perfect version of humanity out there. It simply doesn’t exist. We’re part of one enormous whole – a large, moving, evolving enterprise. And we’re valuable, no matter how awful we think our symptoms make us. I believe our messiness is our humanity. We all stumble, achieve, love and grieve.  It’s simply not accurate to define ourselves by one part of our experience. And what we believe about who we are matters. A lot. When we see ourselves as flawed, we stop growing. When we believe we’re part of a greater, beautiful, messy, evolving whole, we’re kinder and more creative. We deepen our learning, and we show up as our best selves. It goes against our very nature to see ourselves as the “I” that is fixed, flawed and frozen in inadequacy.

What’s your ADHD identity narrative?

Ask yourself:

• What is the narrative I use to define myself?
• How do I know this narrative is true?
• What would prove to me that this narrative is not true?
• How do I feel when I believe this narrative? How do I behave?
• What part of me knows I am more than ADHD?
• What part of me is ready to love all my other parts?

We are not symptoms. We are learners. What happens when you see yourself as pure potential? A masterpiece in process? Define yourself by the best of you. Your dreams. Your integrity. Your commitment to life.