Confidence is like strong metal that is tempered by heat and friction. The more we expose ourselves to new experiences and the more we get knocked about, the stronger we become.
Of course no one wants to get hurt or feel afraid. Human beings don’t like to feel vulnerable.
But being uncomfortable is how we grow. We gain confidence every time we overcome an obstacle and see ourselves taking care of our inner world. By taking advantage of opportunities to stretch what we think we’re capable of, and also being hugely self-compassionate through the process, we learn to rely on our inner resources — no matter what circumstances come your way.
Ultimately, self-confidence is about how you deal with fear: fear of uncertainty, fear of the unknown or fear of how others will see you if you fail.
If you want to gain confidence, learn to wrestle with fear head on.
Turn toward the limiting beliefs you hold about yourself and one by one, test them out. Celebrate the results! You can never lose unless you never try in the first place!
What does self-confidence look like?
You can spot confident people a mile away. These people are quietly in charge of themselves. They have no need to declare their confidence because they know who they are. Their posture is neither defensive nor offensive. Their words are descriptive, assertive and respectful. Confident people aren’t afraid to listen to others deeply, because they cannot be triggered by what they hear.
They’re also willing to speak to their own needs. Confident people know themselves well and keep putting themselves into situations that work for them.
They’re committed to seeing their worth as a given – no matter the situation. They don’t allow their value to be decided by others or by outcomes.
Most importantly, they understand fear and are willing to use it to their advantage. They recognize that fear can mean real danger or that valuable growing is taking place. They learn to spot the difference before assuming what it means. They feel fear just like everyone else, but they’re not ruled by fear.
Confident people enjoy stronger relationships because they know how to be healthy and respectful in the most intimate conversations.
Can you become too confident?
Never. True self-confidence is not arrogance. Self-confidence is innately loving, respectful, and nurturing. Arrogance is about being bigger than other people, making others feel smaller so you can feel superior.
There can never be too much of anything that is fundamentally healthy, true and life affirming.
One powerful ritual to build your confidence
Set an intention every day to do something you might otherwise want to avoid. Ideally, you want to pay deep attention to the moment you will do it. Remind yourself in advance (and in the moment) that this action is designed to grow your confidence. Decide to remember that every action following your intention strengthens you and creates a more accurate picture of who you really are – a lifelong learner.
Learning to live with fear – skillfully and wholeheartedly – will support you in navigating life’s ups and downs with deep confidence.
