“I can do it myself” – Personal Agency or Limiting Belief?

When is the phrase “I can do it myself” a declaration of agency?  

When is it a Limiting Belief?

For anyone grappling with what to do about a persistent issue in their lives, these are essential questions.

When people talk to me about the possibility of coaching together, they share something that’s been eating away at them for some time – often years. They say that they’ve been circling the idea of working together for a long time. But then something happened in their lives, something they could no longer ignore, and that’s what compelled them to hit ‘send’ on that email to me.

When we first meet, we spend time exploring the change they want to make – and what makes them want it now.

Sometimes we’ll meet three times before we commit to working together. There are good reasons for this slow, deliberate approach.

Working together is an investment. I want to be sure they know what they’re signing up for, and that they’re ready for the depth of the work ahead. I want them to succeed.  I want them to experience a transformation they didn’t think was possible. To see what they had not seen.

Just in those first few calls, the epiphany and clarity they’ve gained can leave them feeling inspired to say, ‘I can do it myself.”

They’ve already experienced a shift. They’re feeling excited.

But this statement ‘I can do it myself’ can also have a hidden agenda for them. It could sound like:

“I can’t show my vulnerability to someone else regularly.”

“I don’t want to face myself (totally) just yet.”

“I have evidence today that things are better so I can expect they’ll stay that way.”

The overall theme? External factors feel better in this moment – so the client feels they don’t need to do anything differently.

“If things feel ok on the outside, I’m ok on the inside.”

And that’s ok. I support my clients where they are. I trust their gut and their inner knowing. But when I hear, “I can do it myself” I get curious.

There’s a difference between personal agency and “I can do it myself.” Knowing that difference will determine whether you’re acting from an underlying pattern, less readiness to do the learning, or from empowered agency.

Do you hear yourself saying, “I can do this deeper learning myself”?

What’s going on underneath?

A hesitation about your vulnerability with another person?  The assumptions you’re holding about yourself? The ‘need’ to be supported?

What does it say about you if you want a coach, a guide, a thought partner?

How might this thought pattern be a way to keep you where you are?

What else are you telling yourself about being coached?

“Receiving support means I’m being dependent.”

“It’s shameful to need support.”

“I don’t have the money.”

For more clarity, you could apply Byron Katie’s powerful work to all these statements. They feel real and true to you, but ask yourself,

1. Is it true?

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?

If you find that the voice inside of you that says, “I can do it myself” is a story that isn’t serving you, consider what the science says.

Coaching is a process that assumes you’re already whole. You’re capable of growing. And a growth mindset is what changes your brain. Neuroplasticity begins with the question: If I’m already whole, I’m capable of learning. What can I learn from this situation? About myself?

Coaching is a process for uncovering all that is hidden below habits that reinforce the opposite of what you want. We live in a perceptual box where we make up stories about our experiences in order to make sense of them.

These stories create:

• Confirmation bias: We seek out evidence to support our beliefs.
• Decisions based on feelings, rather than our reasoning. 
• A tendency to see our successes as our own doing, but our failures as a result of external factors.
• The Dunning-Kruger effect: We tend to overestimate our abilities in areas where we lack knowledge or skill. 
• A tendency to minimize feedback that may be important to our learning.
• Fear: We’re often afraid to face our blind spots. 

Coaching provides an objective mirror that reflects back unhelpful patterns created by the perceptual box we all live in. We’re social animals, and we learn best in community. We cannot see what we cannot see – on our own. A trusted ‘other’ can reflect back an objective view, in a way we hadn’t thought of before.

Coaching is a celebration of you, your commitment to being awake in this life. Sharp. Clear. Loving and engaged.

So when you hear yourself say, “I can do it myself” take a cue from poet Mary Oliver and ask yourself, “What do I want from my ‘one wild and precious life?’”