You have integrity. You care. You value how you show up. And you still find yourself avoiding situations that make you uncomfortable.
With ADHD, avoidance is a pattern that’s so easy to fall into. It feels like the right thing to do in the moment, like it’s the only good option available to you. But inevitably it makes things worse. Your inaction begins to look to others like you just don’t care. Even you may begin to believe you don’t care. But you do care about your outcomes and your relationships.
So if you care so much, what makes avoidance the go-to strategy when you have ADHD?
When your brain feels over-stimulated by too much incoming information, you feel overwhelmed. The ADHD brain pays attention to everything – relevant or not. It simply cannot filter it all in a manageable way. You then become vulnerable to cognitive overload. ou turn away. You put the covers over your head. You hope that you’ll eventually feel a little bit calmer. But when you do come back up again, the problem is still there. You’re not calmer, and you feel even worse because you didn’t take care of business.
When your brain is under-stimulated, you feel inert. The low dopamine in the ADHD brain makes it feel too challenging to get started on anything. Turning away from the task feels better than trying and failing to get started – repeatedly. Over time, you get less and less done. And you’re left feeling inadequate for not doing what you committed to doing.
In both these cases, you learn to believe that you have no power to change ANY OF THIS. So you avoid. And you avoid some more.
But you can create a new way of being, even when every part of you wants to cling to avoidance.
Turn your avoidance into agency:
1. Recognize the pattern for what it is
Avoidance is a coping mechanism. It isn’t laziness. Get to know what triggers your avoidance reaction. Anticipate when avoidance may show up. Prepare ahead. Make a list of new ways to cope for that moment or better still, make a plan to prevent the overwhelm in the first place.
2. Recognize the pattern for what it is
Face reality as it is, not what you’re afraid will happen. Commit to turning your attention back to what you want to avoid. Acknowledge the urge to avoid. Allow it to be there. It has something to teach you.
3. Build your tolerance to be with what is
Every fiber of your being may be telling you that there’s no way you can deal with what’s in front of you or inside of you. But instead of avoiding, take a moment to remind yourself that you can tolerate the discomfort. Soothe the fear. Comfort the doubt. Acknowledge the confusion. You can handle anything when you’re present with it.
4. Think strategically, not reactively
Don’t look for a way out. Look for a way through. Ask yourself what you need. Less stimulation? Take 5 minutes to reset your nervous system with some alternate nostril breathing. Do you need more stimulation to get started? Try finding the meaning behind the task. Hint: there always is one! Then break it down into tiny pieces. Be bold and go very small.
5. Be kind to it all
It’s very difficult to have a brain that flip flops many times during the day and never seems to have an ‘off’ switch. But your authentic self gets to hold all this with compassion. When you show kindness to your frustration and agitation – when you remember that you are not your ADHD – you’ll have more mental space to plan and strategize.
Why am I not Succeeding? 4 Steps to Strengthen Your Executive Functioning Skills
