Fracture in the ADHD couple is painful.
The love is there. The connection is real. But the behaviours are mystifying.
Even the most grounded non-ADHD individuals will begin to question their partner’s real feelings when they experience repeated behaviours that don’t match with their partner’s commitment.
Your ADHD affected partner wants to do better. But the well-worn behaviours seem unshakeable.
So where does that leave you?
It’s hard to stay in ‘the loving’ in the face of chronic disappointment, feelings of being emotionally abandoned, and a deep fear of what’s coming around the corner.
You might find yourself blaming your partner. After all, the ADHD is theirs to manage. But blaming your partner fuels a never-ending cycle that does nothing to change their behaviour. And it does everything to erode the safety and trust you want to experience.
But there is a way through. A better way – for both of you.
Recognize Blame
When disagreements occur, your most important first step is to recognize the key obstacle to loving repair.
The obstacle to loving repair is not just untreated ADHD.
The obstacle may be the pattern of blame. “This is your problem! It’s your issue. Fix it!”
Blaming your partner for forgetting to pay the utility bill or not showing up to a date makes them feel small. And you end up feeling like a punishing parent.
Blaming the ADHD partner for ruining the relationship also creates shame, avoidance and anger. These strong emotions make it impossible to engage in meaningful, healing actions.
But the blame also impacts the partner doing the blaming.
It may feel good in the moment to put the responsibility solely on the other person. You’re not to blame. Phew! It temporarily absolves you of having to do anything differently.
The angry energy in blame also gives you relief from the pain of vulnerability. You don’t have to feel your own helplessness and isolation.
But blame is not about setting appropriate boundaries. It comes at a cost.
Your partner shuts down, overreacts or avoids you completely.
They may say things that hurt you more – and this just deepens the gulf between you. That’s not what you want!
You want communication, but you’ve shut it down. You’ve abandoned your partner as they flail about trying to make changes.
You want results you can see, but blame obscures what needs to be done.
You want to feel that your partner is there for you, but blame makes them move away even further.
The closeness you desire starts with focusing on the relationship rather than the ‘problem’.
Trust and safety are essential for your relationship to thrive.
It can begin with you.
How to Stop the Blame Game
Look inside of yourself
If you’re yearning for intimacy, your job is to do the difficult task of bravely acknowledging to yourself exactly how you’re feeling. Be willing to explore. Get underneath the anger.
Ask yourself:
- What does my partner’s behaviour bring up in me?
- What feelings are there?
- What am I not willing to feel?
Look on the outside of yourself
How we feel is often a sign of how we behave. Getting to know your coping mechanism will empower you to make different choices.
Ask yourself:
- What behaviours do I exhibit when I experience these feelings?
- What is my objective for these behaviours?
- What other choices do I make when I experience these feelings?
You matter too
The best way to increase the intimacy you yearn for is to communicate directly to your partner about your feelings. Letting them know that you feel helpless and discouraged is a way to open the conversation safely.
Ask yourself:
- What have I been hesitating to share?
- What am I willing to communicate to my partner?
- What is my ask?
Courageous and open communication about your emotional needs benefits both of you.
When your foundation is secure, strategies, solutions and collaborative problem solving will all be available to you.
Loving really is the way through.
With love and gratitude,
Lynda
